Oprah spent an entire forty minutes plugging Beyonce’s Life is but a Dream special during her propaganda-packed episode of Oprah’s next Chapter last evening so many of us were curious to see what details from the singer’s secret life the HBO documentary would reveal. Yet, nothing could prepare you for what we learned.

In addition to what we already knew about Beyonce – she has a collection of almost every style of blonde wig on the market and she has more money than most of us will ever see - Life is but a Dream introduced us to the her more vulnerable side. At least, that is what casual viewers and her devoted fans may assume if they didn’t read between the lines.

Luckily for you, I sacrificed eighty five minutes of my life to provide an in-depth analysis of Life is but a Dream. Don’t worry, I had enough sugar and Ruzzle matches to keep me awake  so I didn’t miss a thing. Check out my observations from Beyonce’s documentary below:

Beyonce can sing

Let’s start with the obvious: Beyonce is an impressive vocalist. During Life is but a Dream, we got the chance to see Beyonce record several of her songs and backtracks, thus reaffirming the fact the she is a very talented Pop singer. She has a thorough understanding of her range and it is clear that she has taken the time to learn from her biggest influences – Rachelle Ferrell, Mariah Carey and Barbra Streisand – as she developed her craft.

Beyonce doesn’t understand the meaning of TMI

Beyonce has always been fiercely protective of her private life because she has set boundaries between the celebrity that we see onstage and the woman behind the scenes. Yet, despite her many reservations, she awkwardly shared far too much in Life is but a Dream as she boasted that she was ready to make love to her husband, Jay-Z. That certainly wasn’t the visual that we needed on a late Saturday night.

Beyonce films everything

Still, if Beyonce is so private then why does she feel the need to film everything? Yes, we understand that video diaries are often therapeutic but those tapes lose their value after being posted publicly for the millions of viewers to see. Seriously, it appeared as though Beyonce recorded the footage for the sole purpose of making this show.

Beyonce really wants us to be believe that she was pregnant

Many people doubted that Beyonce was actually pregnant in 2011, especially after her stomach deflated like an old butt pad during one of her interviews. So, Beyonce used Life is but a Dream to repeatedly remind us that she did carry her baby to term instead of using a surrogate.

Oddly, however, although she made it a point to film every aspect of her life, we never got the chance to see her stomach beyond the end of her first trimester. Did her camera conveniently run out of charge or was it that faking a baby bump became simply too difficult as the months progressed?

Beyonce has been taking acting classes

Beyonce has always been a terrible actress (see: Obsessed) but she has been trying her best to improve. Indeed, Life is but a Dream presented us with a woman who could cry on cue, deliver a dramatic monologue and perform a distant blank stare without erupting into laughter. She still isn’t Oscar-worthy but at least she carry a scene on her own.

Beyonce wants us to believe she writes her songs

Following Beyonce’s miscarriage, Beyonce retreated to the studio to write an emotional ballad about her loss. That’s right, she expects us to believe that the person who can’t even finish a proper sentence or use a broader vocabulary than the words ‘inspired’ or ‘empowered’ has the ability to string such brilliant metaphors into such a moving piece. Whatever you say, Beyonce.

Beyonce isn’t original

When Beyonce can’t steal artists ideas and imitate their their work by watching the footage on YouTube, she is forced to ask them directly for advice. That is exactly what happened with her “Run the World (Girls)” video for which she and her creative director, Frank Gatson, hired a pair of dancers of Mozambique to teach her the routine after she failed to copy the moves on her own. I hope Beyonce paid them more than minimum wage.

Beyonce’s music doesn’t reflect her life

Beyonce has experienced so many struggles in her life – tension with her father and the breakup of Destiny’s Child – yet she still can’t create better music than childish uptempos and shallow ballads. Wait, what am I saying? She wrote that song about her miscarriage!

Beyonce doesn’t care about her fans

For the entire duration of Life is but a Dream, Beyonce spoke about her pregnancy, her work-related feud with her father and her love for Jay-Z yet she never mentioned the people who gave her the life that she enjoys – her fans. They spend hours hounding people on the internet in defence of their beloved “queen” yet she didn’t even spare a moment to acknowledge them them for their devotion. Hey, worker bees are their to serve the queen, not the other way around.

Beyonce is a hard worker

Regardless of what we think of Beyonce, there is no denying that she is a hard worker. She has devoted herself completely to her craft and pushes herself to achieve greatness, no matter the cost. There aren’t many artists who would rehearse in the hallways of a hotel the night before a performance and that demands respect.

Now that you have read my review of Life is but a Dream, watch the show and share your own view below:

Thoughts?